As I have focused on becoming healthier- mind, body and soul - I've found myself engaged in some very therapeutic and soul searching conversations. While searching to reset myself (back to factory default settings) it was suggested that I take a walk in the past in search of significant places where I got lost. I had to dig through some scary, ugly, emotional shit, but there it was. I discovered two significant times that I had lost myself and I was there waiting for me to return and visit.
The first time I was around the age of nine and life as I knew it changed all at once. A person that I was very close to left unexpectedly. What was left behind was chaos and darkness. A piece of me was gone. I was hurt and lonely. I tried to just fly under the radar and not do anything to add to the ever growing stress and conflict. I spent a lot of time by myself. Everything became routine and depressing.
My escape was my grandmother. I could be messy and weird and loud and free spirited and crazy. I could laugh and sing and eat whatever I wanted and tell her secrets. I could just be ME and that was okay. She thought I was wonderful and she told me that a lot. She loved me unconditionally - even when she didn't like me.
The second time was when I was married. I found myself in a similar place. I couldn't show emotions or he'd leave. I couldn't discuss finances or he'd leave. I couldn't question anything or voice my opinion on the things that weren't okay with me or I would be made to feel stupid. I did all I could to just get by and not speak up for fear of him leaving. My self -esteem was gone. My voice was gone. Everything was depressing.
My escape was a bond that had formed over time. It allowed me to be crazy and animated and childlike. I didn't have to filter what I said or did. I wasn't expected to act better than anyone else. I was encouraged to be me. I could just be ME and that was okay. (That's a story for another blog!)
In both cases I had to escape my reality to just be me. I lost myself for so long that eventually I forgot who I was. I forgot what made me happy. I forgot what made me laugh. I didn't take time to heal. I tiptoed around those situations until very recently. Going back to those times and finding myself helped me make peace with why I let me go. Understanding this has given me a feeling of wholeness and freedom.
Lately I've been having a great time hanging out with ME. I like me. I'm a handful. And I still have so much left to learn.
P.S. I've been embracing my freckles and wild hair that got lost, too. (And wait until I tell you the story about the tattoos.)
...Breathe...
...Michelle Lynn...
P.S. Again: I have been missing my grandmother a lot lately. As I sat down to write this I noticed a beautiful glow in the room. While I'm sure it was the flame and the quartz, it was still very therapeutic and inspiring. I believe it was a stamp of approval.
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